btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
