Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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