It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
