youre lurking in front of me
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
