Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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