I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
