I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
