my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
