new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
