Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
