he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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