i already hear my dad disowning me
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
