but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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