apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
