saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
