Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
