I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
