If i could tip my vagina, i would.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
