It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
