She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
