she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
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He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
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She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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