P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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