My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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