He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
