Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
