I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize