Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
