Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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