yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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