mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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