He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
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His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
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Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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