all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
