i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
