I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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