yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
