Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
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Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
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The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize