I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Randomize
