she was so not down for the gang bang
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
