i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
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sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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