remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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