First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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