I wish my penis had an off switch
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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