he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
