Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
