Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
