I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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