did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
