I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
