I'm gonna have a badass scar
Swine flu. Run for my life!
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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