Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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