So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
