he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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