I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
