I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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