update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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