She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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