What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
