I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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