So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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